But an everyday art!
Have you ever felt that sinking feeling before discussing a difficult topic or giving feedback (especially when it is negative)?
Feedback is a learnable skill—one that you should not improvise and that blends science, art, and the transformative power to improve relationships, teams, and even ourselves.
It requires preparation, thoughtfulness, and practice. Over the years, refining this skill has not only improved the way I work with others but also completely changed how I approach difficult conversations ( at work and now I am starting to use this at home and with my kid too). Here’s what I’ve learned:
Prepare Before You Speak
Feedback is far more impactful when it’s well-prepared. Whether you’re offering praise or constructive criticism, clarity and structure matter. Think through what you want to say, the tone you want to use, and the outcome you’re hoping for.
Key Tip: Don’t give feedback on impulse, especially when you’re triggered or emotionally charged. Take a moment—or a day—to process your feelings and return to the conversation when you can speak calmly and constructively.
Keep It Situational, Not Personal
Effective feedback focuses on specific situations and behaviours, not the person’s character or intentions. We know nothing about others’ intentions.
When feedback feels personal, it can trigger defensiveness. Instead, anchor your conversation in observable facts and actions.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always disorganised,” try, “During yesterday’s meeting, the lack of an agenda made it hard for us to stay on track.”
Stay with the FACTS!
Use a Feedback Model
Feedback frameworks provide structure, ensuring your message is clear and actionable. Here are three effective models to consider:
SBI-BI Framework
Situation: Describe the situation clearly and objectively. Be specific. Vagueness isn’t helpful to anyone.
Example: “In yesterday’s team presentation…”
Behaviour: Identify the behaviour you observed without judgment.
Example: “…you interrupted a team member multiple times while they were presenting their ideas.”
Impact: Share this behaviour's impact on the team, the project, or an individual.
Example: “…this made it harder for us to fully hear everyone’s contributions and slowed our progress.”
Pause: Invite the person to share their perspective. Feedback should feel like a dialogue, not a lecture.
Example: “How did you feel about the meeting?”
Alternative Behavior: Suggest an alternative way to handle the situation or behave in the future.
Example: “What if we allowed everyone to finish sharing their ideas before jumping in?”
Alternative Impact: Paint a hopeful picture of what a better scenario could look like.
Example: “If we give everyone the space to speak, I think the team will feel more heard and motivated to contribute.”
DESC Model
The DESC model is an useful way to practice assertive communication and addressing conflict:
Describe: State the specific behavior or situation.
Example: “During yesterday’s presentation, I noticed interruptions occurred frequently.”
Express: Share how it made you feel or its impact. I use sensation language here, especially when speaking to friends and family members. Sensations are yours, no one can dispute them.
Example: “It was challenging to follow the ideas being presented.”
Sensation language: “I felt my stomach sinking”
Specify: Offer a specific alternative or solution.
Example: “Let’s allow everyone to finish speaking before responding.”
Consequences: Explain the positive outcome of implementing the change.
Example: “This would help us hear all contributions and keep the discussion productive.”
STAR Model
The STAR model is ideal for giving performance feedback:
Situation: Explain the context or setting.
Example: “During last week’s client meeting…”
Task: State the responsibility or expectation.
Example: “…you were asked to present the project timeline.”
Action: Describe the specific action taken.
Example: “You delivered a detailed and clear explanation of each milestone.”
Result: Highlight the outcome or impact.
Example: “This helped the client feel confident in our approach and improved trust in our team.”
Using these models provides structure. This will allow you to communicate what you want to communicate and keep triggers at bay.
Feedback Transforms Difficult Conversations and decreases incivility
Learning how to structure feedback has changed the way I approach tough conversations. Instead of dreading them, I now see them as opportunities for clarity and growth (I still dread them for a little bit but now I have a structure to snap out of this feeling).
Preparing for feedback—and difficult conversations—means I can speak with confidence, honesty, and empathy.
If feedback is a skill, then preparation is your superpower. I often recommend this as an alternative to gossiping about a person.
What about you? How do you approach giving feedback? Have you found a method that works for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
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